No family dynamic is ever perfect.
As parents, we bring our childhood family histories—whatever they are—to the game of parenting, doing with those experiences what we will, recreating them, working in opposition to them, unknowingly or knowingly doing a bit of both. Every relationship and group relationship have their own rhythms and patterns that change over time as we change, as the world around us changes. As our children grow, they’re continually moving on to the next phase of life just when we feel like we’ve finally figured out the last phase. Parenting is rewarding, especially discovering the depth of unconditional love we’re capable of. It’s humbling and amazing. But parenting is challenging as all heck too!
In the midst of these challenges, most loving families create at least a few routines and traditions that everyone in the family—despite their different perspectives—loves. Or at least appreciates. Experiences that bring the family together to achieve a common goal or in mutual celebration or just to spend time together. Paying attention to and spending time with our children—even when they are teenagers and young adults—goes a long way!
One of those traditions for our family is our annual holiday gift-making. Every year, in anticipation of Christmas and Chanukah, we make something to give to our extended family and friends. We create something together as a family.
This tradition has been very successful for the four of us, so I thought it worth sharing.
This is generally what we do:
1. I research possible craft gifts and put them in a Word doc with links to their descriptions
2. The family chooses one
3. We order online or go out and acquire needed supplies
4. The parents try making the craft
5. We make a list of recipients (number of creations necessary)
6. We pick a date, turn on tunes, and get creating as a family
7. The kids—and sometimes the parents—hand out the gifts to appreciative (sometimes even impressed) friends and family
Here’s the details:
We start with the spirit of limited-choice-decision-making—something that works very well, I find, to help children learn to make decisions and actually works pretty darn well for adults too. I research online and choose a number of possible craft items. I look for ones that I think would be fun, within our capability (not too complex)—both for the kids, appropriate for their ages, and us!—something that might create a new experience or skill for all of us, and hopefully will be of some value or use to recipients.
Here’s a few examples:
When the kids were really little, we made homemade wrapping paper. We rolled out butcher paper on the kitchen floor, let the boys dip their feet in water-based paint and walk all over it (They used handprints too). It was super fun! And the wrapping paper looked awesome!
We made message stones (bearing designs and words like LOVE, GIVE, PEACE, etc.). Other gifts included reindeer ornaments made out of popsicle sticks, plates of cookies in fancy wrapping, and, one year, pesto and red sauce in jars with decorated labels and lids.
We moved up to making candles in collected seashells adhered to found driftwood and planks. A family favorite was the message ornaments made with Scrabble letters and holders.
With wood burning kits, we made lovely ornaments with etched snowflakes and other designs on cut rounds of a birch branch. The kids got to help cut the rounds too with a power saw.
We made personalized keychains out of beads and silver letter cubes one year.
The coasters we made from old tiles bearing lacquered family photos were very well received. And most recently, we created really cool starburst mirrors with hot glued, silver-sprayed skewers splaying out from the mirrors like rays.
This year—spoiler alert—it’s going to be a cookbook, a collection of recipes created by the kids and us during the Shelter-In of 2020-21 and this past year. Our teenagers did a lot of the cooking, something we had always wanted them to do so they would feel comfortable and empowered in the kitchen. We’re all adding our own descriptions and messages for each recipe and a little other content in-between.
Those are some examples. All these things had been made and shared by others. We just followed directions and added our own details, flairs and flourishes to make them our own.
Step two: Once I have a list of possible projects, my husband and I pare it down to maybe half a dozen and present these ideas to the kids. We talk about them, choose favorites, debate and decide on one for that year.
If there are found objects involved—like rocks—we go together to acquire them. Or if we’re buying interesting supplies we might shop together. Otherwise, I purchase anything we need online. Utilitarian.
This next step is uber-important! We parents try making the said gift before having the kids do it. When we didn’t do this, it didn’t go so well. By making a model, we find out what might be challenging, how to prep the space for whatever mess we’re going to make, what additional supplies we might need, and how long the crafts take to make. We can set expectations for the time and patience involved. And we better understand the instructions, so we can facilitate the process. It’s also really helpful to have a model or two of the finished product.
On the appointed day, the table prepped, we gather and create, usually with music on in the background, holiday music or we all take turns choosing songs on the Alexa. Or both. It’s a great way to find out what music your kids are into.
And we converse, quite naturally, while tinkering away. I’ve always found that work parties are the best parties. With friends and acquaintances too. While creating, we create shared memories.
Even as they got older, and spending time with us meant NOT spending time with their friends, the boys enjoyed the experience. And it is with some pride that they hand out the finished products during the holidays.
We always keep a sample of the crafts for ourselves. When our home-made ornaments come out at Christmas or the coasters come out of the drawer, one of our sons might point to them. “Remember when we made these?” And we share the experience again through our memories.
It’s pretty cool!
Postscript
Shameless self-promotion: One of the missions of my book, Camping Activity Book for Families: The Kid-Tested Guide to Fun in the Outdoors is to bring families together to get to know and appreciate and enjoy each other, to explore, learn, create and wonder together. Watch for the second edition in summer 2022!
