I don’t like the term “Midlife Crisis.” It gives a negative connation to a phase in life that couldn’t be more natural.
When people hit mid-life—late forties to early sixties generally—they often come to the realization that half of their life is over. Time is finite in which to accomplish goals, live dreams, experience the world. There is a realer sense of one’s mortality. It ain’t going to last forever! This often leads to change, sometimes big changes.
The stereotype of the Midlife Crisis is, of course, buying an expensive sportscar or having a younger lover, either while married or after a sudden divorce. But these things aren’t always negative. It depends on the context and how the change is enacted. Change is often challenging. Change is also the most natural and reliable ongoing occurrence in a human life and in our world. Life is continual change.
So why call this phase “Midlife Crisis?”
Canadian psychotherapist Elliot Jacques coined the term. But he actually never viewed it as negative. For him it was a critical phase of human development and transition.
The problem is that the word “crisis” implies negativity, an unstable and dangerous situation, the lack of coping, a threatening change. A crisis in nature might be a volcanic eruption or tsunami.
And this phase can look worse when studies try to quantify it. In a study by psychologist and writer Oliver Robinson, he only found the experience to be positive in half the people. He defined Midlife Crisis as a period characterized by unstable mental and emotional health, altering the course of lives and affecting the person for a year or longer. He cites the influence of other life events: the death of parents, other family or friends, a decline in physical strength and vitality, andropause or menopause, and work stoppage (Yeah, that menopause-transition has been a doozy for me!). A worldwide study found that during one’s youth and senior years feeling satisfied and happy tend to peak and then dip during the middle years of life. But I don’t think it has to be that way.
Doesn’t every decade bring its own challenges?
And what a valuable stage of life is midlife if we view it as such!
So, I’m going to call it Midlife Reflection.
I suppose Midlife Reflection can reach “crisis” when the examination produces near-panic about what is left to do or depression at the state of things so far. It could also become a crisis to others that are left behind in the wake. Ultimately, however, it is judgment that deems it a “crisis.”
Midlife can be a time of meaningful reflection, an examination of who we are, where we’ve been and where we are going, of our morals, values, behavior and habits. Mid-lifers might inspect their health, work life, love life, relationships, material possessions, their bucket list. They might ask questions like: “If I were to die tomorrow, did I do enough? Am I content with my life? Do I like who I am? If something is missing in my life, what is it and what do I do about it? Can I achieve the missing pieces and how? What has been called a “Midlife Crisis” can be a search for personal truth and meaning.
In evaluating your life, you might look at how you spend your time, maybe decide not to spend time doing things you really don’t want to do or with people that don’t add value to your life. You might stop worrying about what others think as much. That can be refreshing!
I suppose if someone is unused to reflection, yeah, this can be difficult. Many young people tend to live life with action more than reflection. I’ve always had a very active internal life myself—for better or worse (Oops! That looks a little like personal judgment!). Most young people—as long as they have the fortune of good health—don’t think about their own mortality and certainly not death as something imminent.
Because death will come. That is something we cannot control. And if we can accept this, then a midlife reflection can just help us make the most out of our lives from that point on. It’s still potentially a lot of years.
My Midlife Reflection—still in progress—centers on my own autonomy and the courage to follow my convictions, to disagree, to say no, to share my feelings, thoughts, ideas, and creativity and love with “the world”—thus this 100 Day Challenge. It involves both making more money so I don’t have to experience the kind of financial anxiety that I have known for much of my adulthood, and transitioning my career—even if slowly—to focus more on my own creations. Or maybe my creative endeavors don’t have to be tied to earnings. I don’t know yet. I just know I need it to be a larger part of my life.
I love helping people in the last decades of their lives write and save their stories in accessible, readable and beautiful books, but I would like to publish more of my own fiction and non-fiction. If I’m honest, I’d love to write plays and screenplays, having a background in theatre and often being character and dialogue-driven in my work, always curious and examining of humanity and all its complexities. I loved acting and did quite a lot of it on stage—once upon a time—and I wouldn’t mind auditioning and taking on some juicy midlife female roles. I may have to write some since there tends to be a dearth of such roles, although that has been changing. I’ve always wanted to do voice-over work. But then again, maybe I just try these things once and go, um, no, I changed my mind. The thing I’m trying to do most is make that option my prerogative. Permission to go for it!
I love to sing and would love to take the time to write more songs for my band to play. I’d love to perform music in a wider variety of genres. And with different musicians. I think.
I’m also trying to create better habits, stay healthy, keep my weight down and be kinder to myself, so I have less internal struggle.
More than any of the experiential or achievement-oriented goals, I just want to feel my own love and kindness a bit more every day. Though I always have them for my children—I sure adore them—I don’t always give them to myself.
Thus, my midlife desires are a combination: things I’ve always wanted to do that I hope make a positive impact on the world, in my own authentic way; and to be on better terms with my own ups and downs of life, my feelings, actions and inactions whatever they be.
I don’t want to be drawn to the bright grass greener on the other side of the fence. My life is good. I just sometimes feel—and have felt for a while—that I’m on a path just south of my true path. Pretty close though. I mean, if I were to stay on this path and live out my life, it would be a life well-lived. But what if I veered off just a little on to a new path to explore a bit? And then another and then another? That sounds awfully exciting and rewarding. I just have to be brave enough to do it! With the finite time I have left.
I guess I have dual tasks: to figure out what more I want and go for it, perhaps one goal or new adventure at a time—or three at once which, again for better or worse, is often how I do things—and to feel, truly feel, that THIS is enough, I’m enough. At any given time, any given place along my path.
What is your Midlife Reflection?
Photo by Luke Leung on Unsplash