I suspect that a lot of people, like me, are moving through life carrying a scratchy backpack of low-level anxiety. Or high anxiety, more like a boulder on the back. The Pandemic effect. I wouldn’t be surprised if anti-anxiety meds prescriptions in the US are at an all-time high. (Indeed, there was a 34% increase in these prescriptions in May 2020.)

With all the questions, uncertainty and fear around Covid with its mutations and people in denial, its effect on the workforce and supply chain, the logistics with kids in school, navigating testing and masks with mass shortages and less effective knockoffs, I mean, it’s disturbing. 

And yet, almost two years into this, I sometimes forget about this external force and the toll it takes as I move through the tasks of my day. It’s like the monster in the corner of your eye, the shadows in the background. So, I’ve found myself at times thinking recently, “What’s wrong with me?” Not thinking to factor in “Oh yeah, we’re currently facing the most contagious virus in human history. Yeah that might have an effect on my mood and energy.”

For example, a few weeks ago, for the first time in my life, I had almost a full week when I didn’t want to do ANYTHING. At all. I’m usually like a kid in a candy store about life, excited to write the next story, take the next adventure, perform the next gig. Or if not excited, I just have a lot on my plate. I have a daily list of tasks for work and home. As the keeper of the calendar for my family, I’m constantly adding events, checking dates, making plans. I have many interests pulling me in multiple directions at once. Even before the Pandemic, it was too much at times. 

I find myself reminiscing heavily these days on the times in my life when I was focused almost completely on just one thing and how joyful that was: the first months of new motherhood, the first few months after I quit teaching and started my writing career, my first writer’s artist-in-residency. And included in this list is the Shelter-In of 2020. 

I know it was miserable for many people. And, of course, outside of our home was this mysterious killer virus and an unstable government. But inside the house, for my husband and me, it was bonus time with our teenage boys that we wouldn’t have gotten otherwise. We played board games, went for hikes, and took turns cooking meals, seeking out new recipes on line. We all cleaned house together. The boys had their pods of friends right from the start, since it was clear to us that this could be a long-term situation.

My husband and I grew closer. We had more time to talk and connect. He was unemployed for six months and took on home improvement projects, something he normally didn’t have time for. We spent more time in our own backyard than we had in years. He and the boys built retaining walls and flattened out an area for a trampoline, which we all bounced on. 

I had to up my game in my work to earn for the family, so some pressure was on, but my hubby was available to pick up the slack. Without carpools to school, social events and band rehearsals, the days were longer. The pace was slower. Though I missed the time spent on my own creative pursuits, a young adult novel, a children’s book series, gigs with our bands—all still waiting in the wings—it was very clear what the focus was: income, home and, primarily, family. 

Life—if we didn’t watch the news—was simpler and way more manageable.

But now, trying to live an active life again with Covid, it’s freakin’ stressful. I’m constantly thinking about the safety of my family and the risks in travel and activities and events. A friend just shared a New York Times article that warns against knockoff N-95s that provide false security. Great! My kids need tests to go back to school, but no test appointments are available. Rapid tests may or may not work. I spend my time researching walk-in sites and where rapid tests might be available. Then there’s supply shortages making certain items hard to get or more expensive and a workforce shortage, causing businesses to shut down.

It’s all a bit too much at times.

Even writing about this is stressing me out!

So, like many others, I’m watching more television and other forms of passive entertainment than pre-Covid. I take lots of deep breaths and breaks in my work day. I’m learning a bit about meditation. I practice daily gratitude. I listen to a lot of audiobooks to keep the anxious thoughts at bay. My daily exercise (for me, dancing and regular walks with friends) has become even more important for my sanity. My dog has become my support animal. Seriously. I have occasional escape fantasies about living in the countryside or the mountains, places where there are fewer people and where the pace is slower. I continue to have hours or days when I don’t want to do much at all. And I decided to try a low dose of anti-anxiety meds. I’ve always been reluctant. But right now, it’s helping.

Most importantly, instead of being hard on myself for feeling “lax or lazy,” berating myself for being less productive and easily distracted, I’m giving myself a break, recognizing the impact of the Pandemic Effect.

Because it’s true, although it depends on how you measure it, that Omicron is the most contagious virus (or one of the most) in history. The other disease comparable is the measles.

Physician Roby Bhattacharyya, an infectious disease expert at Massachusetts General Hospital did a calculation to imagine who would win in a race between omicron and measles, another of the world’s most-contagious viruses. 

“One person with measles infects 15 others on average if none are vaccinated, compared to the six people infected by omicron. But the key lies in the so-called ‘generation time’: i.e. the number of days that elapse between when the first person is infectious and when those they infect also become infectious. With measles, that takes about 12 days. In the case of omicron, this only takes four to five days. ‘One case of measles would cause 15 cases within 12 days. One case of omicron would give rise to another six at four days, 36 cases at eight days and 216 after 12 days,’ explained Bhattacharyya.”

So, I’m living life with precautions, getting my work done but realizing the logistics of the Pandemic just take time. I’m doing my best to take care of myself and my family, but also doing a little less and expecting less of myself. And it helps to repeat my new mantra to myself all day long. I think we all have to choose our own, but this sure helps me, reminds me:

Be loving;

Be kind;

And what you feel is fine.